Valentine's Day has a very different meaning for me now. 

February 14, 2019 the day my heart broke into pieces that can never be fixed.  The day that changed my heart The day that would forever hurt. The day I had to say good bye to my Dad.

February 13, 2019 I was at work. I got a 911 text from my brother. I called an was told Dad was in the hospital and that it was not looking good. I left work in a panic. Not sure what was going to happen, or even what was really going on except Dad was not responsive. B was home sick and we weren't sure if he had the flu or what. So as  I tried to figure out how to come up with the money to make the drive to Indiana, I kept getting text message updates and it was getting worse. At least to me it seemed worse with every single text because I was over 8 hours of driving time away from them.  I packed up my car and started this drive alone to Indiana from North Carolina, all I could do was cry and pray that Dad held on or got better. I prayed and cried off and on during this whole drive. 

My Dad had been getting better. He was traveling again. He made two trips to NC to visit ME. The first one was for my graduation from Strayer University, August 2018.

                                                                      

                                                                                        

Then he came down to visit for his birthday.  The original plan had been for a vow renewal for B and I but finances didn't allow that to happen, but we were able to celebrate Daddy's birthday!

Daddy said this was the first birthday he had in a VERY long time where NOTHING bad happened and there was NO bad news. For the first time in a long time he actually ENJOYED his birthday!

                                                                         

                                                                             

I went to see him at Christmas 2018.  And for the first time in 19 years my Dad got to spend time with both of my boys, his grandsons. The last time he saw both of them together was Christmas of 1999. 

Christmas 2018 with A, M, and Dad!

 Daddy was writing in this book for me. He said since I didn't grow up knowing him and wasn't able to spend time with him, he would write in this book. In this book he would tell me all about him and his life. He said by the time he was done I would know more about him than anyone else. 

Christmas 2018, Daddy opening one of his gifts. 

This was Christmas 1999, the last time both boys got to visit their Grandpa. 

I wasn't around Dad much because of living in NC. I tried many times to get a job in Indiana so I could move up there and be closer to him and my grandparents, my sister and my brother. Nothing ever worked out for me. 

I feel like I was "cheated" out of a life with my dad. Being told he wasn't my dad yet he was. For what ever reason there was to keep me away from him and my brother and sister and grand parents, it just isn't reason enough for me to understand. 

On February 14, 2019 at 3:00 p.m. we were all gathered in Dad's hospital room and we all said good bye to him. Valentine's Day 2019, Dad was surrounded by all of his family. Everyone in that room loved that man. He was loved. There is no doubt about that.  But February 14, 2019 my heart shattered in a way that can never be fixed.

In the two years he has been gone, I have gone through multiple heartaches. A separation, a divorce, a mental breakdown, depression. But I have also learned that its ok to hurt. Its ok to cry. Its ok to sit and do nothing. But I also learned that I have to pick up and keep going. I have learned that I can not change the past. No matter how much I think about what if this didn't happen. What if that didn't happen, I can't change any of it. 

I'm so very thankful that the few memories I do have of my Dad are happy ones. Ones where he was smiling. Memories where I drove from NC to Indiana to surprise him and my sister. Memories where he "ran" from behind the couch because I surprised him with a visit. Memories where I show up and he's busy trying to prepare room where I would sleep. Making sure I had what I wanted/needed. Asking me what I wanted to dinner, breakfast, lunch etc. (Now I know where my pleasing nature comes from!!)

Even though my heart hurts and aches today, I know my Dad isn't fighting any more health issues. I know we all made the best decision for him. I can only pray that this heart ache eases up over time.  

Happy Valentine's Day just doesn't mean the same to me any more. Its a reminder of how much my dad was loved and how we loved him enough to let him go. 

Over Due Update

Its been quite a while since I've done any kind of updating on this blog! But to be fair, I am off enjoying and living life rather than sitting behind a keyboard all the time!

So let's get ya caught up in a nut shell..... Moved, divorced, mental breakdown, depression, struggled, new job, lost job, moved back and forth across the country, finally settled down, got help for my mental breakdown/issues, new job, COVID hit, changed jobs yet again, settled down, got engaged and living a happy life. 

I'm happily engaged a guy who is amazing to me. He and I had plenty of problems to start but he loved me enough to stick by my side through all the craziness I went through between 2019 and 2020.  I didn't have the best track record when it came to a relationship with him. So of course the people he considered friends did not like me. Although some of them did not take the time to get to know me, they based their  decision on my track record with him at the time, which is understandable. I fought my feelings for him for months because I didn't want to be in love with him. But I fell in love with him. I mean completely, wholeheartedly, in a way that was new to me. I came back to him the end of March 2020 (it upset and hurt a lot of people which I have attempted to apologize for). We got back together and began our life. 

We got a place together on April 1, 2020. I wasn't working at the time so we relied solely on his income which dropped drastically due to COVID. But to be fair his boss did keep him employed. (I had issues with said employment.... that boss abused his loyalty and worked him to the bone.) He would ask for time off and would not get it. He didn't get to spend time with his children because said boss kept him working every single weekend... I'll leave that alone for now because there is so MUCH I can say about that and my feelings get involved and I get extremely heated over the way he was done..... So I will stay away from that story for now....

He has two boys. One is 11 and one is now 6 years old. The 11 year old (A)  lives with us full time.  He's attending public school in this COVID-19 world.... For me it is almost like starting over. My own two boys are adults and living their own lives. Its been an adjustment of sorts... Going from no littles to having one full time and another one every other weekend.  L loves seeing me in "Mama Bear mode" as he puts it.  

 

This is us August 2020. A's first day of school.

In July, my youngest and his girlfriend moved to Texas from NC. They stayed with us. Their plan was to stay with us long enough to save up and move on to AZ. Long story short there, they stayed until February and moved into their own apartment here in town. Oh, and they also got engaged! Made this momma happy! I'm proud of the two of them!

I did get a job in May working for 1/2 of what I was used to making! But it was better than nothing in the height of the COVID shut downs. So I was thankful for that job! I was driving an hour to work and an hour home every single day. So I began looking for something closer to home and that paid more because all of our basic necessity bills were not getting paid, and that put a lot of stress on me!!! 

In May 2020 I began going to therapy for my depression, BPD, and mental breakdown. I began going once a week. And this is THE longest I have remained in therapy. (As of today, I still go once a week.)

Eventually I landed a job where I was able to work from home. With that increased income we were able to breathe again. Bills were getting caught up and we were getting ourselves out of a hole that we had been climbing our way out of. We were able to have Thanksgiving at our house. Believe it or not we had close to 20 people at our house, including B (my ex-husband) and his girlfriend. Which my family found strange but the four of us are friends and do hang out semi-regularly! No hard feelings, no issues, just good friends.  Any way, Christmas was a little tight and we only bought for the kids and a little for each other. 

We got engaged in December. Those that know me know I don't care about material things very much. I'm more into experiences!  Granted my ring isn't an expensive piece or diamond, I'm happy with it. I found it absolutely beautiful.  We did pictures downtown. I guess you can say we did our own engagement photos! And then we had one done with Santa. That was fun! 

The following weekend we had both of the boys. We took them to the park and to see Christmas lights and spend the afternoon together out of the house. So we got impromptu family Christmas pictures done!

Any way, over the months that we have been together, both of us have changed, for the better. He has changed in ways he probably never expected to. Apparently his love for me was enough for him to make changes and become a better person. He gave up things that have been a constant in his life. He lost friends because as he was growing and changing he saw what was important to HIM and his life and his happiness. When he and I decided to cut drama out of our life and make changes for the better for us, some of his so called "friends" dwindled away. They do not call him, they do not visit, they don't text.  But that's ok because life has been a lot less stressful without them and their drama filled lives being a constant drain on him and our relationship.  He learned that he doesn't need those draining energies in his life. He has learned that he can do better than what he has previously known in his life. He has become an active participant in the raising of his children. He has learned to co-parent his youngest. He is still learning to be consistent and follow through on what he says he will do. He is still learning not to make promises that he has no control over. He is learning to be a better dad. He has made these changes on his own over time. 

I have learned MANY things about myself over the last almost year. 

1.  that it is my choice to say NO and that I do not have to feel guilty for it. And I WILL not feel guilty anymore for saying no. 

2. I've learned that I am  ALLOWED to choose where I spend my time. 

3. I've learned what triggers my anxiety, my depression and my sadness and I choose not to subject myself to those triggers. 

4. I've learned that i have been an enabler for pretty much all my life and now that I know the difference, that enabler side of me is  beginning to disappear. And tough love is taking its place. 

5. I've learned that I have let people bother me  way more than I should. I value opinions of people more than I value myself.

6. I am super hard on myself. 

7. I do NOT give myself any kind of credit.

8. My life has taught me things that I have to undo to live a happier life.

9. Trauma and abuse comes in all kinds of forms.

10. I quit things more than I finish (because of my life and things learned). 

11. I've learned to take my time on decisions and weigh all my options.

12. I've learned to take a moment and remove my emotions from a bad situation and look at things more logically. (I'm still learning to do this as I'm not perfect at it.)

All in all 2019-2021 (for far this year) has been huge for me in growing, learning and evolving into a better ME. 

I am not where I want to but I am not where I used to be. I am getting better and learning to be better every single day. I am finally truly happy and not just happy because of my surroundings but truly happy within myself. 

 

This man loves me unconditionally! Just as I love him!

Here's a few more of my most recent pictures.....

We took a weekend away and he treated me to the most meaningful weekend I've had in a very long time. Those who know me, KNOW how i feel about dolphins! 

I could have stayed with the dolphins for the whole trip and seen nothing else and been absolutely content and happy!  

My happiest place!

A visit to Coyote Ugly

Chapter 3: Page 18

So there are quite a number of pages missing from this "book" of mine!

Long story short, I was being caretaker/nurse to my husband who ended up having TWO surgeries within 2 weeks of each other! So not only did I lose my workout schedule but I lost time at work. I ended up going to get my mom to come and help me because I was stressed and worried and didn't know how to handle it all (or so I thought).

My therapist, after telling her everything going on, praised me for keeping it all together and handling everything I've had to handle. I was praised for making sure my husband went to get a 2nd opinion after the nightmare from the first doctor!

After all this mess, my husband's sugar levels are finally within a "normal" range!!! I'm relieved and happy! Finally something has clicked and made him more aware of what he's doing by not keeping his sugar in check!

Anyway, after a month, I finally went back to the gym!!  In my "time off" from the the gym I've learned a few things.

1.  I learned that I am a stress/emotional eater. I have never realized this about myself before now, so this is an eye opener for me!  Now that I  KNOW this, I can learn to change my behavior when I get stressed or emotional. 
2. It took me a month and a half before I realized I had energy! And it took less than a month to lose it all too!
3. I learned that I NEED to work out for this weight to leave my body! 
4. I learned that I have to learn how to balance things better so I can make sure that I am taking care of myself while I am taking care of the family as well. Because if I am sick or hurt, I still have to push through which only makes it harder on myself. 
5. I can't make excuses because they benefit no one! An excuse will not help me in the long run. 
   
   
   
   So here's to hitting PLAY after hitting the pause button for a month! I didn't quit, I just hit pause! Now it's time to kick butt and get back to where I was and get stronger! I got this! I can do this! I can be stronger because I know what I need to do and what I was doing wrong!
   
   
   
   
   

Chapter 2: Page 1

Today is the 4th day of the Body For Life Challenge. I've kept up with the exercise portion of it. The food side I haven't done terrible but I do need to get a lot better at it.  I am proud of myself  for the amount of work, time, effort and concentration that I have put into myself. So since today is thoughtful Thursday it was suggested that I write down 5 things about myself that I am thankful/proud of. So here I go:
1. I'm thankful for my strong legs.
2. I'm thankful for my pear shaped body.
3. I'm thankful for the energy that is increasing!
4. I'm thankful for my ability to lift weights.
5. I'm thankful for my strong heart.

Today I was invited out to lunch at work but I chose to stay at work and eat my chicken tortilla soup. I managed to stay on track. I'm one day closer to my goals and one day closer to the end of my first challenge.

I have to say I am very thankful for my son! He's kept me on track! There were days that I really did not want to go to the gym a couple of times this week. I really just wanted to stay home. But he's kept me going even when I didn't want to!

So I'm pushing on through! I have a goal and I have a deadline for this goal! Our trip to Jamaica is in November so I gotta  keep going!

Here are my pictures to start this month:

Chapter 2: Page 17

So, this week has been another rough week. I need to learn how to still take care of me while taking care of everyone/everything else!

This is how my week has been:

The medical saga continues for my husband. On Monday he went to the doctor for a painful bump on his rear end. They said it was an infection and made an incision to "drain the infection". They gave him antibiotics and sent him home Well Tuesday when I got home he was laying in bed, still fully dressed and under all the blankets on the bed shivering. Saying he was so cold and couldn't hardly see and that there was a ringing in his ears and a massive pounding in his head. I checked his temp and it was 101.2. I told him after I ran my errand, I would take him to the hospital. When I got back 30 minutes later, his temp was 102.4 so I took him to the ER. The hospital visit on Tuesday night cleared up infection #1, but then nasty more aggressive infection #2 has shown up and caused severe pain. Back to his primary on Friday only to be told by PA that #2 is 3 times bigger and that he should be hospitalized, but need to go see the specialist first. Specialist says “oh I’ve seen worse. Let’s cut this open and get some of the infection out.”so they take him down the hall and I can hear him screaming/yelling/crying out in pain. When the doctor is done he says, “We got a lot of the infection out, but the tool I was using broke off inside and I tried to get it out but it’s too far so we’ll get him scheduled for surgery on Monday to clean out the rest of the infection and to go in and cut out that piece.

So NOW he HAS to have surgery on Monday.... Can he PLEASE get some relief and healing and get away from the medical drama???” So NOW he HAS to have surgery on Monday.... Can he PLEASE get some relief and healing and get away from the medical drama???

On Tuesday, I had my 6 month check up with my doctor to check my A1C since I am "pre-diabetic". With all that I have been doing, I thought my A1C would be out of the danger zone. But no!!!

My A1C is now 6.2!! Its time for me to get back to being focused on my health and what I eat. Time for me to go back to low carb and natural sugars. Time to stop eating out so much. Time to get meal prepped for the week every week! I've done well so far this year, but I can do better. This is only Chapter 2 of book #40!

I have not been to the gym but ONCE this week. So now I'm sitting here on a Saturday, meal planning so I can go grocery shopping and then tomorrow I can cook and prepare my breakfast, snacks and lunches for the week. I'm going back to a strict low carb, sugar free (except for natural sugars) plan. Yesterday I ordered meal prep containers from Amazon. I need to get back on track.

I feel for those parents who work full time, keep their kids busy with sports and extra curricular activities. My question is HOW do they keep it all together. Clean house, balanced meals, and keep themselves in shape? We all have the same number of hours and minutes in the day, so how do you manage your time to accomplish everything?

Well at any rate, I have a plan of action that's being put into place! Now to stick to it!

Chapter 1: Page 30

After the workout I did last night, I ended up over sleeping this morning! I didn't get out of bed until 7:11 am!! I went to work and I was NOT tired on my drive again!  But my whole body is SORE today! My butt, my legs, behind my knees, my arms, my calves... it all aches! I've been trying to stretch it all out as much as I can.

After work I had to go grocery shopping. I went home put them away made sandwiches for dinner. As I was eating, I got this from my son:

So yeah even though I am so very sore, I still went to the gym and did my 20 minutes of cardio.  I was sure that because of how my body feels, that I would not be able to do the full 20 minutes on the elliptical.

Guess what I did the full 20 minutes on the elliptical! I pushed myself and done it!! 

                  

Can you see the sweat?! I was out of breath and sweating! But I got it done! I'm so proud of myself! Then again if it weren't for my son, I would have stayed home tonight because of how sore I am. So I'm so very thankful for my son and his motivation and this "monster" or "gym rat" that I created when I gave him his membership to the gym!

Day #2 of 84 done! I got this!  I WILL be ready for Jamaica!!! 

Chapter 1: Page 29

Today was the official start to the first Body for Life Challenge of 2018. I got up and went to the gym this morning. I was in the gym at 5:38 a.m.! I got my upper body workout done. I've made notes on what I need to increase the weight on because some of it was too easy for me! So that means I need to increase my weight.  After my workout I came home, got my shower and headed to work. I noticed this morning that I was not drowsy like I normally am when I drive to work.  That was surprising to me, yet good news to me!

On my ride home after work, I was debating whether or not to go to the Core Impact class at the gym. When I got home, I had my mind made up not to go. But, my son was ready to go and asked if I was going. When I started to say no he gave me this sad kind of look so, I went and changed my clothes and we went to the gym.

Walking into the room, watching the guys get it set up, my anxiety started kicking in and my heart rate shot up!! I looked at my son and was like "ughh" . He was like "its all on you!" 

The instructor said he would go over the way it works and then if I needed anything modified he could do it.  It was a 30 minute circuit HIIT  class. Let me tell you what!!! That class had me sweating, not quite the "ugly sweat" but it had me sweating from head to toe! Legs wobbly, arms wobbly and abs still crunched up!!  The next class is on Wednesday but I have my class at Strayer. So for now I will only be attending one Core Impact class.

So a YAY and a win for me! Stepping out of my comfort zone again (with the help of my son).
Another yay for today: I refused three different kinds of pies at work, I refused pizza when I had to go pick up my husband and take him home. Instead I went back to work and made my lunch that I had taken with me to work.  Salmon, broccoli, spinach with tomatoes cheese and dressing. I stuck to my meal plan today! I did not cheat myself! Day one is a success!!! Only 284 days til Jamaica! 284 days to drop this weight! 284 days to get strong ,healthier and happier and smaller me!!!

Chapter 1: Page 28

While today was a rest day on my workouts, it was not a rest day in the house! Cooking, cleaning and laundry had to get done! Since tomorrow is the official start to the Body For Life challenge, I wrote down my measurements and took beginning photos. I even meal prepped!  I have my breakfast for the week, my lunch and snacks are ready for tomorrow.

I am not comfortable with my pictures that were taken tonight. But isn’t that when things start to change, when you get uncomfortable? When you step out of your comfort zone?

This is my sports bra and bikini swim bottoms. Well at least now I know what I would look like in a bikini. I’ve never worn one by the way! 

Here are my measurements for the start:

Neck: 15 inches     Forearm: 13 inches.              Left calf:  20 inches

Chest: 41 inches     Upper Arm: 18 inches 

Bust: 46 inches       Right Thigh: 31.5 inches

Waist: 44 inches      Left Thigh: 31.5 inches

Hips: 61 inches.     Right calf: 19 inches

Those are some big numbers! However, at the end of this 12 week challenge these numbers will be smaller!!

I’m out of my comfort zone and pushing myself to work harder, stay focused and finish thi journey, regardless of where it leads me!

So here we go, first challenge of 2018– I GOT THIS!!!!!!

Chapter 1: Page 17

Sometimes, things just do not go as you plan!! I live in NC, where we rarely get snow but get ice on occasion, but on either even, the towns SHUT DOWN!!!   We are not equipped to handle snow/ice. I do NOT drive in snow/icy conditions after I slid off the road a year or two ago in icy road conditions. So guess what happened today?! I did NOT go work out. We got 6-8 inches of snow!!! And they were only calling for a "light dusting of snow" in our area! HA meteorologist! What do they know?! LOL

I feel kinda bad that I didn't get to go workout. But again I don't drive in this mess!  This picture was the snow at work at 8:30 in the morning!

This one is our driveway this morning before we left.

This is the amount of snow we got at work when I left at 2 p.m.!! My husband drove me to work and hung out with me until I was able to go home because again I REFUSE to drive in the snow/ice!

I'm not even sure if I'll get to the gym tomorrow to do my cardio or not but at least I can do cardio at home!  I'm supposed to go to work at some point tomorrow too! Ugh, the next few days are going to be interesting with the melting of all this snow!

Well, this isn't going to totally de-rail my plans! It's only a day or two break and then I'm back at it as if there was no break!

Chapter 1: Page 16

As usual, I did not get up early. Just got up at my normal time to get ready for work. I had my spinach, bacon egg frittata for breakfast and coffee with MCT oil.  Then for lunch, I had some cucumber and tomatoes, salmon and 2 cups of broccoli. So even though it wasn't leftovers, I still managed to have a decent lunch. 

Yesterday and today I got 9 of 9 hours for 250 plus steps each hour. That has taken some work!! I have set my Fitbit to have an alarm every hour so I can make sure I have gotten my steps! Tomorrow might be a little more challenging!  Tomorrow my husband has a doctor's appointment in the morning with a spine surgeon.  So I may not get all of my steps for every hour if I have to sit in a doctor's office. Anyway, I've managed to get my steps, my water, and make all my little widgets on my Fitbit light up green!

It's been a very concentrated effort to make all these little goals! But I've done it!!

Since today was the day for cardio, I went to the gym after work. I did 25 minutes on the treadmill!

I was sweating but did not get to the ugly sweat tonight! I was close but didn't get there completely!

Never the less, I got my workout done! I am sticking to it!!

After my workout, I came home and made dinner. Tonight was "Taco Tuesday" and since I don't have tortillas or taco shells and we're doing this healthy way of eating, dinner was taco salad.

So another day has been written in my book!! One day closer to my vacation and one day closer to my goal!

2018!
#igotthis #goalwithadeadline #2018vacationin297days

Chapter 1: Page 15

Up at 5:20 and out the door at 5:30 a.m. again! Mark and I were in the gym beginning our lower body workout at 5:38 in the morning! When I prepared my plan for my workout, I increased my weight on everything. When I was doing each set, on some I realized that I wasn't using enough weight. So I will be increasing the weight again! I guess my legs and abs are a LOT stronger than my arms! I think my arms are the weakest part I have!

Lunch at work was salmon baked in the toaster oven with butter and garlic/herb seasoning, left over broccoli and left tomato cucumber goat cheese salad. I hadn't had salmon in so long that it was so good!!! I don't know if it was because I hadn't had it in so long or if it really was THAT good!

Dinner was flank steak and oven roasted vegetables. Brad (my husband) was ok with it but not his favorite! He doesn't like the veggies soft. He wants them still crunchy! Mark seemed to like it because he had two helpings and wanted a third! I told him if he ate it now he wouldn't have it for lunch tomorrow!

I got on the scale at the gym since my scale at home is so inconsistent now! I think I need completely new batteries! I believe our rechargeables are not recharging any more! Anyway, the one at the gym is that old sliding scale weight thing, according to that one, I am a little over 315.5 but not close enough to 316. If that is correct I've lost about 10 pounds so far!

Its still progress, so I'm pleased with myself! I've got 298 days til Jamaica and til I need to be about 250 lbs. (Is that a reasonable goal? 65 lbs in 10 months?) Either way that's what I'm shooting for!

Page 16 is next!

Chapter 1: Page 13

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Six days this week! Yes SIX days !! I made it to the gym and got a workout in six days this week! 

Today was cardio again. So I started out on the elliptical and did about 15 minutes on it. My legs were bothering me so much and I couldn't keep going! So I moved over to the stationary bike. I did that for 22 minutes. I broke a sweat just not the ugly sweat! I'm quite proud of myself! I stuck to my plan for the week!!


Page 14 is going to be blank! The only plan I have for that is to meal prep for the week. I need to get my lunches planned out as well as my snacks. Oh and Wednesday night's dinner too since I have class. 2018 is going to be the year I stick to my plan. That might mean changing my plan as it goes along or as needed. What ever it takes this year for me accomplish my goals I'll figure out a way!

I've got 300 days til I arrive in Jamaica! So I've got 300 days to drop weight and gain energy and muscles! I've got 300 days til goal!! 300 days til I am sitting in one of these chairs again!!!