Valentine's Day has a very different meaning for me now. 

February 14, 2019 the day my heart broke into pieces that can never be fixed.  The day that changed my heart The day that would forever hurt. The day I had to say good bye to my Dad.

February 13, 2019 I was at work. I got a 911 text from my brother. I called an was told Dad was in the hospital and that it was not looking good. I left work in a panic. Not sure what was going to happen, or even what was really going on except Dad was not responsive. B was home sick and we weren't sure if he had the flu or what. So as  I tried to figure out how to come up with the money to make the drive to Indiana, I kept getting text message updates and it was getting worse. At least to me it seemed worse with every single text because I was over 8 hours of driving time away from them.  I packed up my car and started this drive alone to Indiana from North Carolina, all I could do was cry and pray that Dad held on or got better. I prayed and cried off and on during this whole drive. 

My Dad had been getting better. He was traveling again. He made two trips to NC to visit ME. The first one was for my graduation from Strayer University, August 2018.

                                                                      

                                                                                        

Then he came down to visit for his birthday.  The original plan had been for a vow renewal for B and I but finances didn't allow that to happen, but we were able to celebrate Daddy's birthday!

Daddy said this was the first birthday he had in a VERY long time where NOTHING bad happened and there was NO bad news. For the first time in a long time he actually ENJOYED his birthday!

                                                                         

                                                                             

I went to see him at Christmas 2018.  And for the first time in 19 years my Dad got to spend time with both of my boys, his grandsons. The last time he saw both of them together was Christmas of 1999. 

Christmas 2018 with A, M, and Dad!

 Daddy was writing in this book for me. He said since I didn't grow up knowing him and wasn't able to spend time with him, he would write in this book. In this book he would tell me all about him and his life. He said by the time he was done I would know more about him than anyone else. 

Christmas 2018, Daddy opening one of his gifts. 

This was Christmas 1999, the last time both boys got to visit their Grandpa. 

I wasn't around Dad much because of living in NC. I tried many times to get a job in Indiana so I could move up there and be closer to him and my grandparents, my sister and my brother. Nothing ever worked out for me. 

I feel like I was "cheated" out of a life with my dad. Being told he wasn't my dad yet he was. For what ever reason there was to keep me away from him and my brother and sister and grand parents, it just isn't reason enough for me to understand. 

On February 14, 2019 at 3:00 p.m. we were all gathered in Dad's hospital room and we all said good bye to him. Valentine's Day 2019, Dad was surrounded by all of his family. Everyone in that room loved that man. He was loved. There is no doubt about that.  But February 14, 2019 my heart shattered in a way that can never be fixed.

In the two years he has been gone, I have gone through multiple heartaches. A separation, a divorce, a mental breakdown, depression. But I have also learned that its ok to hurt. Its ok to cry. Its ok to sit and do nothing. But I also learned that I have to pick up and keep going. I have learned that I can not change the past. No matter how much I think about what if this didn't happen. What if that didn't happen, I can't change any of it. 

I'm so very thankful that the few memories I do have of my Dad are happy ones. Ones where he was smiling. Memories where I drove from NC to Indiana to surprise him and my sister. Memories where he "ran" from behind the couch because I surprised him with a visit. Memories where I show up and he's busy trying to prepare room where I would sleep. Making sure I had what I wanted/needed. Asking me what I wanted to dinner, breakfast, lunch etc. (Now I know where my pleasing nature comes from!!)

Even though my heart hurts and aches today, I know my Dad isn't fighting any more health issues. I know we all made the best decision for him. I can only pray that this heart ache eases up over time.  

Happy Valentine's Day just doesn't mean the same to me any more. Its a reminder of how much my dad was loved and how we loved him enough to let him go. 

Over Due Update

Its been quite a while since I've done any kind of updating on this blog! But to be fair, I am off enjoying and living life rather than sitting behind a keyboard all the time!

So let's get ya caught up in a nut shell..... Moved, divorced, mental breakdown, depression, struggled, new job, lost job, moved back and forth across the country, finally settled down, got help for my mental breakdown/issues, new job, COVID hit, changed jobs yet again, settled down, got engaged and living a happy life. 

I'm happily engaged a guy who is amazing to me. He and I had plenty of problems to start but he loved me enough to stick by my side through all the craziness I went through between 2019 and 2020.  I didn't have the best track record when it came to a relationship with him. So of course the people he considered friends did not like me. Although some of them did not take the time to get to know me, they based their  decision on my track record with him at the time, which is understandable. I fought my feelings for him for months because I didn't want to be in love with him. But I fell in love with him. I mean completely, wholeheartedly, in a way that was new to me. I came back to him the end of March 2020 (it upset and hurt a lot of people which I have attempted to apologize for). We got back together and began our life. 

We got a place together on April 1, 2020. I wasn't working at the time so we relied solely on his income which dropped drastically due to COVID. But to be fair his boss did keep him employed. (I had issues with said employment.... that boss abused his loyalty and worked him to the bone.) He would ask for time off and would not get it. He didn't get to spend time with his children because said boss kept him working every single weekend... I'll leave that alone for now because there is so MUCH I can say about that and my feelings get involved and I get extremely heated over the way he was done..... So I will stay away from that story for now....

He has two boys. One is 11 and one is now 6 years old. The 11 year old (A)  lives with us full time.  He's attending public school in this COVID-19 world.... For me it is almost like starting over. My own two boys are adults and living their own lives. Its been an adjustment of sorts... Going from no littles to having one full time and another one every other weekend.  L loves seeing me in "Mama Bear mode" as he puts it.  

 

This is us August 2020. A's first day of school.

In July, my youngest and his girlfriend moved to Texas from NC. They stayed with us. Their plan was to stay with us long enough to save up and move on to AZ. Long story short there, they stayed until February and moved into their own apartment here in town. Oh, and they also got engaged! Made this momma happy! I'm proud of the two of them!

I did get a job in May working for 1/2 of what I was used to making! But it was better than nothing in the height of the COVID shut downs. So I was thankful for that job! I was driving an hour to work and an hour home every single day. So I began looking for something closer to home and that paid more because all of our basic necessity bills were not getting paid, and that put a lot of stress on me!!! 

In May 2020 I began going to therapy for my depression, BPD, and mental breakdown. I began going once a week. And this is THE longest I have remained in therapy. (As of today, I still go once a week.)

Eventually I landed a job where I was able to work from home. With that increased income we were able to breathe again. Bills were getting caught up and we were getting ourselves out of a hole that we had been climbing our way out of. We were able to have Thanksgiving at our house. Believe it or not we had close to 20 people at our house, including B (my ex-husband) and his girlfriend. Which my family found strange but the four of us are friends and do hang out semi-regularly! No hard feelings, no issues, just good friends.  Any way, Christmas was a little tight and we only bought for the kids and a little for each other. 

We got engaged in December. Those that know me know I don't care about material things very much. I'm more into experiences!  Granted my ring isn't an expensive piece or diamond, I'm happy with it. I found it absolutely beautiful.  We did pictures downtown. I guess you can say we did our own engagement photos! And then we had one done with Santa. That was fun! 

The following weekend we had both of the boys. We took them to the park and to see Christmas lights and spend the afternoon together out of the house. So we got impromptu family Christmas pictures done!

Any way, over the months that we have been together, both of us have changed, for the better. He has changed in ways he probably never expected to. Apparently his love for me was enough for him to make changes and become a better person. He gave up things that have been a constant in his life. He lost friends because as he was growing and changing he saw what was important to HIM and his life and his happiness. When he and I decided to cut drama out of our life and make changes for the better for us, some of his so called "friends" dwindled away. They do not call him, they do not visit, they don't text.  But that's ok because life has been a lot less stressful without them and their drama filled lives being a constant drain on him and our relationship.  He learned that he doesn't need those draining energies in his life. He has learned that he can do better than what he has previously known in his life. He has become an active participant in the raising of his children. He has learned to co-parent his youngest. He is still learning to be consistent and follow through on what he says he will do. He is still learning not to make promises that he has no control over. He is learning to be a better dad. He has made these changes on his own over time. 

I have learned MANY things about myself over the last almost year. 

1.  that it is my choice to say NO and that I do not have to feel guilty for it. And I WILL not feel guilty anymore for saying no. 

2. I've learned that I am  ALLOWED to choose where I spend my time. 

3. I've learned what triggers my anxiety, my depression and my sadness and I choose not to subject myself to those triggers. 

4. I've learned that i have been an enabler for pretty much all my life and now that I know the difference, that enabler side of me is  beginning to disappear. And tough love is taking its place. 

5. I've learned that I have let people bother me  way more than I should. I value opinions of people more than I value myself.

6. I am super hard on myself. 

7. I do NOT give myself any kind of credit.

8. My life has taught me things that I have to undo to live a happier life.

9. Trauma and abuse comes in all kinds of forms.

10. I quit things more than I finish (because of my life and things learned). 

11. I've learned to take my time on decisions and weigh all my options.

12. I've learned to take a moment and remove my emotions from a bad situation and look at things more logically. (I'm still learning to do this as I'm not perfect at it.)

All in all 2019-2021 (for far this year) has been huge for me in growing, learning and evolving into a better ME. 

I am not where I want to but I am not where I used to be. I am getting better and learning to be better every single day. I am finally truly happy and not just happy because of my surroundings but truly happy within myself. 

 

This man loves me unconditionally! Just as I love him!

Here's a few more of my most recent pictures.....

We took a weekend away and he treated me to the most meaningful weekend I've had in a very long time. Those who know me, KNOW how i feel about dolphins! 

I could have stayed with the dolphins for the whole trip and seen nothing else and been absolutely content and happy!  

My happiest place!

A visit to Coyote Ugly